My Story isn't Over
Since 13, I’ve gone through periods of suicidiation and had a few suicide side attempts. Overdoses from prescription medications and OTC pharmaceuticals, a symptom of one of the invisible illnesses when my mental immune system hasn’t been able to deal with the thoughts I’ve had about the people, places and things in my life. I have a couple of visible scars on my arm from when I tried to drag a kitchen knife up it, but the tendons got in the way, if you want to slit your wrists it’s vertical cuts that are more likely to do the job, the horizontal scars are from the anger, resentment, and frustration at my inability at not being able to do it right. I wanted to hang myself but when I got to the tree that I thought would be appropriate, I failed to tie it around the branch, the rope wasn’t long enough. I’m lucky and blessed to be alive.
I got told it was a symptom of something else that I needed to figure out, but they didn’t know how to do it, it was too complex. I got told I needed help and went to the doctors, they helped me the best way they knew and gave me some legal drugs.
I got told I needed help and support, to let people know how I was feeling. I was advised to stop drinking and abusing drugs, and get some support, so I did. Not easy when you feel like you never fit in anywhere, but I did it. I went along to meetings. I got told I had a spiritual problem, I was taught I had to be honest, open-minded and willing, to be of service. I am. I was told I had 2 ears and one mouth, I thought it meant staying quiet, we have to listen twice as much as we talk, it doesn't. I had to learn to actively listen, not only to others but to myself as well. I do. It is a conscious skill we can all learn. I got told I had to look after my body and hit the gym the way addicts do. I got told I had to be a responsible productive member of society, I started studying and overworking like an addict. I was a respected member of society and still am in some people’s opinions.
As an empath, I picked up more pain, frustrations and resentments, and became too physically ill to carry on attending. I stopped going and stuck with my small circle of friends.
I told them how I was feeling but they didn’t know what to do, so we went back to the doctors and got more drugs. I was on 4 different lots of medication all had suicidal thoughts as a side effect. So yeah I did the whole pattern again. I was on the phone every day for 2 weeks in May 2016, telling the crisis team (First Response/Last Response) I wanted to kill myself, luckily my son got an ambulance. The ambulance staff had to fight to get someone to see me, 3 different places didn’t have the time or resources to help me. I took the overdose in the hospital after waiting for 3 hours in crowded waiting rooms, I’d been told I would be in a cubicle because of my anxiety levels.
The help needed for the thousands of people in crisis isn't readily available in the NHS and charities have had their funding cut or stopped altogether. There are hundreds of thousands who are suffering trying to function in sick inhuman systems of governments of control and constraint, judged and stigmatised by society for being crazy when they are brave and courageous enough to ask for help. Too many lives are being lost and destroyed by suicide. Obviously, it’s not about the NHS, it's a global problem, a dis-ease, a virus which can slowly kill us, spread by words of hate and division, us and them, you and I. The whole system of using humans to power the elite needs to be destroyed. I don’t have all the answers on what a new world should look like, but as I watch the systems collapse I believe love and compassion have to be at the foundation.
And for those who think suicide is a coward’s way out, I hope you are doing your best to stop any suffering around you instead of adding to the problem with your judgments.
Sometimes I get it wrong and say things that people don’t like, but I’m willing to talk about it and make amends if necessary. Many people don’t know what love is and have to learn how to recognise and accept it, I was one.
I am forever grateful to all those who have tried to love me, and those whom I tried to love. To those who said how can I help? I didn’t have an answer but thank you for your time and willingness to sit with me whilst I was dying and trying to figure it out, that was love and that was the answer I was looking for.
Stop the hate and division, love is the answer, we are one.